nomad

I’m home.

After 2 weeks of solid travel. I’m home.
I’ve been to 3 places, 2 countries and returned to my home country, the relaxed, chillaxed perth.


I’m devastated. The email addresses that my friends from PUgad Lawin – Munoz – gave to me, don’t work.
I can’t contact them.
I guess I’ll have to use snail mail huh? At least I have that option. But I was so disappointed.


But yeah
i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)
-ee cummings.

He applies to me.
I had this poem on my door before I left, and little did I know the truth of it.

I carry all of my Filipinos in my heart. They’re my life blood. They’re my family. They’re my heart.
And I love them all dearly.
It took me this trip to remember. To re-break my heart. To love again. To remember again.

That I carry them with me.
Pops, my best friend in manila. I carry her in my heart always.
The jarabejos. I carry them in my heart always.
I carry their hearts. I carry it in my heart.

James cried when he left legaspi.
He’ll maybe never ever return. $$ and priorities.
At least I know I will return.

They have my heart.
And I love the chaos and disorganization and slackness that is the stink of the Philippines. And the country. I carry it with me in my heart.
I love the cheapness of it. The diversity of products.
The people.
The craziness
The atmosphere.
I carry it all with me in my heart wherever I go.
And if I seem different, of course? How could I not?
I carry that, AND I carry Adelaide, and the Gold Coast and New Zealand. I carry them all in my heart through the ppl.

KAT EDWARDS IS ENGAGED. I’m so happy for her! And jase gets married this sat.
Far the hell out, all my friends are GETTING MARRIED!!! Crazy times  yet good times. Coz I wouldn’t swap my life. Or trade it up for hteirs, as good as theirs might be.
Thank God for my life. I thank u lord. 

Soooo good to be back where I have my car.
My clean house.
My space.
My DISHWASHER AND WASHING MACHINE. OH MY GOSH. Its unbelievable.
And my gym and my bike.
And everything.
Ohhhhh gosh Lord, thank you its all good.
I brought heaps. Well, not heaps but yeah. Heaps of cheap stuff!!

Good to be where the sun sets so much later. Just chillin, cleaning up, washing and unpacking and the sun hasn’t set and its 8:05…. 

how much of these webs do we construct. and how much is simply a word i disbelieve 'fate'?

i would like to feel again.
it just doesn't really happen much anymore.
its almost like i have marshmallow walls around my heart and i can't locate it anymore.

is it still there? what would it feel to be proud? to be happy? to be content? to yeah. i duno.

its not like my life sucks.
the more i have, the less i feel.
the better i get, the less i am.

paradoxical.
i would like to feel God again.
i would like to know theres a reason for existance again.

it is a new day.
a new time.

for that i am grateful
thank you father, for every step, every breath taken.
it has been so hard for so long.
and so many times i've failed. so many times i've desired to give up.
so many times i wanted to stop.

not move. not go, not be

looking around for someone else to fill the shell that appeared to be me.

i don't say i'm past all that.
i don't vainly boast of a life found and restored.
that is my hope.
but i know its not a destination anymore
because everytime i think i've arrived, my world gets taken and shaken.

stirred and faulted til i think there is no more i can do and handle and be.

Lord. thank you for the hope you've give me.
it ain't a full blown bloom yet, but it is a flicker and more than i had

you've tipped me upside down this year and shaken all out.
everything that has been put into me all my life has finally been called into account for.

for those much is given - much is required.

-iknow that. always have.
never thought it would occur this much though in me.
i walk a fine line. a life most don't, and won't.
and its harder than some think.

i guess some have no idea of the hardship i encounter.
but ha, as if i encounter hardship compaired to those who suffer in so many ways i'll never known.

but i'm thankful God.
for this journey you've taken me on.
how i've screwed and squewed it.
but how you've beaten and shaped and straightened it.

how much of an idiot i've been
how much of a saviour you are

i will never know all you are.
but i promise my life for eternity.
thats always been the agreement between us.
and i won't give up.
we won't

ccoz i know you won't.
thank u in advance.

and thank you for doing something in me while i was away.
as always.
as usual
you never disappoint and never give up on me.
thanks.
love you.

i'm actually lookin forward 2 my term with you
and here's to hopin i won't stress?
hehe!

thank u for church this morn. ppreciate it.

DON"T LET ME FORGET YOUR BLESSINGS>
if you do nothing more for me ever, i've got and had more than i should ever legally be allowed.

u rock.
ha

Current Mood:	cheerful
Current Music:	mighty to save - hillsong 06!

they're great ppls, don't get me wrong, but i'm bored! haha :)
hehe, i'd rather hang out with my parents than them. isn't that strange? i mean, not really, coz my folks r cool, but yeah. i have no compulsion.
perth seems too quiet right about now.

can't wait 4 sydney., woop de dah

http://xroads.virginia.edu/~hyper/ALCOTT/LWHP.html

books were my absolute favourite thing when i was young.
then i started school in year 10 and barely read again! something about western society seems to discourage reading. fast paced commercialism, perhaps?

this weekend has given me a little insight
a little hope
a small memory
and a glimpse of who perhaps i was and what i mightve enjoyed

coz i'm not sure what i quite like and what i enjoy and who i am etc any more. i still haven't discovered peace and joy and happiness. and fun.
yet.

but this weekend gave me hope that i will. and i may return to what i was.

but i don't want to return to what i was, not that it was bad. but if i never grew beyond what i was, then i don't think it would be a positive thing.

i really really want to feel some happiness again.
i've been so tired. and still am. probably coz i barely slept last week coz i was scared and stressed. stupid!

but it twas SO good to see ppl at syg!!! and do karoke last nite, haha. to see manuel and his crazy new communal tea - to see will and miriam .. to see juan and woodvale pps, to see warick pps. etc. and spend time with aly and rach.
it was eye opening to say the least.

i'm getting there. slowly!
my parents have a mobile
finally!
times do change. :)

its weird, i really couldn't cope at school this week. i took today off school.
for a workaholic to take a day off really means something. i was just getting pretty screwed up. yesterday, i wanted to cry at anything and EVERYTHING. it was absolutely nuts.
the psychological trauma associated with accidents is pretty huge and totally underrated.

and tonite, i went out for the real first social thing i've done since the accident.
it was insightful. but not really.
everyones pretty self absorbed as usual. funny. well, not really. sad state for christians to be in.
friends who i thought cared about me, well, i feel as if i've learnt a little bit more bout my friendships over the past 2 weeks.

everything in this world seems different yet strangely familiar to me now. even the way i look at ppl. the way i smile. the way i feel. the way i interact.
coming so close to death has called my reality into check.
and i'm not sure bout it all anymore.

i'm not sure whats important. well. i am but i'm not.
and walking back into a teachers shoes on tuesday almost killed me. literally. i could not BELIEVE how much i do everyday. how much crap i put up with. how much interaction i have to do.
i guess it was eye opening because i was and still am recovering. i was using crutches wednesday, but can't be bothered with them now. its funny too, i go out, and i forget how much my body is still kinda screwed up. then i'll get home and remember, and suffer.i can walk properly when i go out, when i get home i'm limping again.

but truly, my body is getting better and amazingly so. but its funny how as the physical signs of injury disappear, ppl think ur ok. they can't see the bruises and swelling. so all assume i'm fine. and they can't see the train wreck of an accident thats occured inside.
anyway. don't know why i started writing this entry, so i'm gona stop! there is no real emotion that goes with this.